Sample Poem With Feedback #3

 

This poem, “The Four Seasons,” was submitted by a 15-year-old writer. I will be focusing on the clarity of the subject matter, the execution of the poetic form, and how well those two things compliment each other. My comments are in coloured text. I do not generally comment on spelling or grammar. – Laura

 

The Four Seasons

Swirls of bright colours flutter through the air - Could you mention leaves? Don’t make me work too hard. I’ll stop reading.
With each step I take, a crisp sound echoes through
Sweet scents of maple and pine, greet my nose hello - Love the smells here.
The world is prepared for it’s long sleep
The family of bears, curled up together - Does the speaker see the bears in their cave? Make sure that if you are using a “walking” speaker that the camera stays on his or her shoulder.
Just as the families do, bonded with love - What families are you referring to?
I glance up and see the birds say their goodbyes
The world is ready to sleep and welcome their blanket - Who is “their”?

I peak under the white fluffy covers and see Mother Earth - Is your speaker a giant? I thought the speaker was a person.
She is covered with soft sprinkles of millions of crystals
The trees stand gracefully, dancing to the chilly winds
And loved ones cuddle to sip a cup of chocolate
But at night, the children of light come - If these are stars, say stars.
Their radiance shine through the midnight sky
Streams of magic are left and streaked through the air
Old Saint Nicholas is almost here

The heavens open up to greet spring
And spring greets me with its fresh zephyrs dancing on my back - Spring “zephyrs” are a bit overdone. Can you come up with something new?
It’s melodic sounds of sprinkling rain are music to my ears
Red rain boots splashing about in turbid puddles
Then when the rain has gone, the whistles of birds are heard - Nice.
And blossoming flowers bow down,kissing my toes - Very nice imagery.
The birds were meant to fly, and the sun like a torch was meant to shine
As life awakens from it’s long enchanted sleep
It blooms fuller and bigger into the summer I know - Again, I feel I need to know more about the speaker.

The smear of ice cream and frazzled hair
I need a sweet slice of summer, the juice dribbling down my chin
There’s a laughter contagion
Splashes of sunset, peak over the glassy surface of water - Make sure that the grammatical structure of your lines is understandable. This line is not quite right.
And then fly away to the clouds, their home of dreams
Walking along the shore of the pearly white beaches - Are there pearly white beaches in geographical regions that have 4 seasons?
I gaze beneath the water to see if there is more
My footprints reveal a path, a journey that hasn’t ended yet – What does this journey have to do with the seasons?

*

More Feedback: This is a well-written poem with some solid imagery. However, I am not entirely sure I know what this poem is about on a deeper level. Is it a close observation of the changing of the seasons? It it about family, the twist and turns of life’s journey, or the wandering speaker who is not quite human? Is it about one place or many? What am I supposed or think or feel as I read it? Choose one subject, know what you want to say about it and how you want the reader to feel or think, and use that to revise. And definitely know who your speaker is.

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Laura Michelle Thomas

About Laura Michelle Thomas

Laura Michelle Thomas is a novelist, freelance writer, writing mentor, and the owner of Laura Thomas Communications. She is the creator and administrator of the Junior Authors Contests and Junior Authors Conferences. Laura is publisher and senior editor of jaBlog! and is dedicated to fostering the development of young writers worldwide.

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